Want Next What

You've said it; you’ve heard it; you’ve been asked it - what do you want? It’s a huge question and most of us have a list. It’s too much to ask. I want to be financially stable. I want a puppy. I want to have millions. I want to retire. I want to live in a lakefront mansion and sip iced tea all day.

We all dream of winning the lottery. We all let our minds wander to places where we perceive our problems will vanish and life will be endless bliss. It's like the old story of the nine year old boy who is once asked; "So Sam, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and Sam quickly replies; "I wanna be rich!" 

Tougher Done Than Said

It took me years to grasp the concept of the fear of success. It sounded counterintuitive. The fear of failure, to me, is easy to understand. You don't want to fall on your face or run out of money or have to give up things you have your life. The embarrassment of failing is terrible. But, what about our fear of what we will do if what we try actually works? How will you handle the responsibility of that dream coming true?

The marketing genius Seth Godin once challenged that it's easier to fail small. Complaining about the fact we never amount to anything or we're not meant to win or no one ever gives us a break, is way easier than the unwavering persistence required to achieve something we want.

It's Way Too Big

In my opinion, it's easy to say you want a Bugatti Veyron because odds are pretty good it will never happen. It's much more difficult to identify the small shifts we need to make every day to get to the bigger dreams we possess. My business partner and I have been working on a project for close to a year. There are days we wonder if we are out of our minds. But each day, you push a bit more, ask a little bit more, and keep at it. Giving up now will only make us forever wonder what if we had kept going. 

You have dreams. You have things you want to accomplish. You have stuff that may feel a little out of reach. But I'm willing to bet if you suspend those for just today and think about what you could do right now to get what you need right now or your next want, over time, those bigger things will come clearer into focus. 

Let's try that and see what happens.

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Stress and a Couch

Merriam-Webster defines stress as to cause or experience physical or emotional tension. It's not an object we can put in our hand or pour into a glass. It's felt on an emotional level, but it can be just as real as a punch in the face. A lot of people are talking and writing about stress these days. A global pandemic will do that.   

You have family and career and health and finances and deadlines and all the other items on your list called your life. The layers seep into each other and affect the results of everything. If you're stressed about the health of a loved one, your work is probably going to take a second seat. If you have financial issues, your family may suffer.  

Real or Imagined? 

You have a deadline for today. A client is waiting and it absolutely has to be delivered. That's stress. Add to that, your boss has called you four times to remind you of the deadline and adds revisions each time. That's added stress. Your partner calls and your child is sick. Then the client calls and wants to ditch the whole idea and start over. That's about when you're ready to throw your laptop. 

I have mentioned this several hundred times on this site, but if I talk about self-inflicted, self-doubt, or self-stress, I know of it only too well. That's where we get into the weeds, as my business partner would say. The client has changed the scope, the kid has the sniffles, and your boss has added useless additions to the deck that is now scrapped.

Reversed Delegation 

A former boss walked into my office one morning just to say hi and see how was I doing. He could tell I was stressed. He asked me what the issues were and if he could help. I admitted I simply had too much on my plate and I didn't want to miss a deadline. 

I usually have a written to-do list next to my laptop and he asked to see it. He grabbed a pen and started putting a line through a lot of the items and handed it back. But I needed to know how he could just arbitrarily take stuff on my list. 

Their List 

He said he had been in most of the meetings where the items were raised, but for some reason I had added them to my to-do list. He told me to send them back to the people who came up with them, ask them to flush them out, and bring them back to me with more ideas of how to accomplish them. He said most of the items will disappear. He told me I was suffering from a serious ailment – reverse delegation.  

The lesson for me was that real deadlines can cause stress but self-created ones that shouldn't be on our list only complicate our lives. Stress is part of life's recipe but we don't need to add any unnecessary ingredients. We can discuss not making everything on our to-do list a top priority in another post. 

Stress is part of life. Adding more than necessary isn't required.

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Return Policy

It's been widely reported that the difference between us and the rest of the animal kingdom is apposable thumbs and the ability to reason. And wouldn't it be so much easier if that was the only difference?

We human types are complicated creatures and I suspect our reasoning minds add way more complication than is required to live a successful and contented life. We want more money to buy more things; we want to climb company ladders to achieve bigger titles; we want a nicer house than Bob across the street; the list is endless and most of it is useless to finding happiness or contentment. 

More More More

When we get our first apartment, it's usually filled with hand-me-downs from our parents or family. I think I was well into my 20's before I purchased my very own set of new cutlery (silverware) which went nicely with my very own set of new dishes and cups. 

Fast forward many years and many moves and many sets of dinnerware, and now I have stuff I actually don't even remember buying and why is that? Are we seeking something we can never catch? Is last year's car not good enough for us? Do we really need that food processor that will grate cheese in seconds?

Less is More

I think one of the sources of our unhappiness is that we have no clue what we want or what we'll do when we find it. I recently had to return some items I bought online because they were the wrong size. As I was dropping them off at the courier place, I realized two things – I didn't need the items and have no intention of re-ordering different sizes. What is that? Boredom? I'm not sure.

I guess we can make the case for just about any decision. That's why you can buy a McLaren supercar in hot pink. Our reasoning minds aren't always sound in their decisions. So while we search for something we'll never find, perhaps figuring out what we need and dumping the rest is a good first start?

 Perhaps my parents' old couch was all I needed?

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Hope So

It’s been often said that hope is not a strategy but I wonder if we should automatically throw it out. Hope pushes us forward; it keeps our minds active toward potential results and solutions. As we get to the end of our lives, regret can be one of the worst emotions we can feel, so as long as there is hope, we can carry on.

This is not to suggest we can survive simply on hope because without effort and action, it will be an empty exercise. However, if we remain hopeful, we will keep trying to find solutions, relationships, business concepts, and career choices.

In Other Words

Synonyms for hope include; confidence, courage, anticipation, faith, and optimism.

If we replace any of those words when we feel we are looking at what we want, perhaps it can change our perspective. And if evidence becomes overwhelming that hope for a certain outcome isn’t going to go our way, we should find strength to keep hope in our minds and hearts for the next time around.

Time gives us experience and hope gives us life to our dreams, plans, ideas, and relationships. Life can be hard, business can be challenging, and leadership can be a struggle. If we keep our hope at the forefront, we can take our experiences and passions forward when circumstances don’t go our way.

Let's stay hopeful.
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Stay Out of the Shallow End

Some of our most memorable experiences are unplanned. Like the time I ran into a buddy from college with whom I hadn't seen in probably fifteen years. He had gotten married, had a daughter and twin boys. His business was doing well and he had just been awarded a customer contract that was pretty much going to set him up financially for the rest of his kids' lives. 

We had coffee and caught up. He had done all these things since our silly days of college but deep down he hadn't changed a bit. I was suddenly taking stock on how I didn't have millions and he suddenly said; "So, what was it like to meet all those rock stars years ago?" I didn't have a lifetime of money in the bank or three awesome kids. 

Look at you!

He went on to tell me about my accomplishments. My college friend wasn't comparing; he was sharing. He had humility toward his success and was more interested in mine. While I was comparing bank accounts like a shallow idiot. 

We all have a story to tell. You may not think you have much to share at a college reunion, but you have done some things others may remark on. It doesn't matter if you haven't been on the radio or built a multi-million dollar company. 

Zero-sum

There will always be people richer than us, slimmer than us, younger than us, and more "successful" than us. And there will be plenty who feel that way about us. My friend said it was no contest if he ever had to choose between his business and his family. No success was worth losing them.

If we can stop comparing for a moment and cherish what we have and have done, perhaps we won't focus on scarcity but rather abundance. It was great to see my old pal again and he taught me a lot that day. 

A look oudside can give us better perspective inside

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Opinion v Belief

The Oxford Dictionary defines the word belief as; an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. Oxford defines the word opinion as; your feelings or thoughts about someone or something, void of proven fact.  

Which side decides which belief or opinion is true? Is it the guy who uses ALL CAPS to make his point? Is it the dirtbag who became president and when caught in a lie, doubles down with another lie? Some won't accept a fact even with overwhelming evidence if it doesn't serve their agenda. 

Facts are irrelevant. 

US politics is a dumpster fire but the red team does a good job of taking the win when they win but blaming all other humans when they lose. That's what five year olds do. What a spectacular way to get yourself out of every jam in your life. It's literally never your fault. Try it with your boss the next time you miss an important client deadline. 

Despite one shred of evidence, millions still believe the 2020 US election was stolen. Apparently if you call something a witch hunt and fake news long enough, some will believe you. If you don't get your way, apparently acting like a giant baby is the way to go. I live in Canada and it's like watching the WWE from the cheap seats.  

Many who start the rumor only care about winning at all costs. Their belief is irrelevant as long as they serve their opinion. But that's just my belief and opinion, of course.

I'll get the popcorn.

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The Guest Room is Open

This was written by poet and theologian Rūmī six hundred years ago and the message is as valid today.

We all have struggles and stress; issues and challenges, and it's tough to see clearly at times but that is where we grow. It's been a challenging year for many I know, me included, on various fronts. The words of Rumi are worth reviewing.

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably,
he may be clearing you out for some new delight

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
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How About Now?

There's never a good time to buy a new house. It's not the right time to have a baby. I'd be better to wait a bit longer and not take the gig. She will probably say no, so it's better I don't bother. We often look for reasons not to do something, which we discuss in greater detail in a future post, than just go for it. 

I was speaking with a good buddy the other day and this subject must have come up a dozen times in a phone call that lasted less than half an hour. He's working on a new business venture and deciding what moves to make now and what to push to the future. In each case, doing it later seemed like the wise decision. 

Deciding to Decide 

The late legendary musician Neil Peart of the band Rush once wrote; "There are those who think that life has nothing left to chance. A host of holy horrors to direct our aimless dance. You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill. I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose Freewill."

Even if we decide to defer something until later, we have made a decision. But why does it often seem easier to put things off? Well, I think one reason might be that we don't have to deal with the consequence of our decision. But as Peart reminds us, then we have to deal with the fallout of not making the call.

Daily Choices

We make a thousand decisions each day from what we'll have to breakfast to whether or not to buy that new car and a multitude in between. So this theory may ring true with you - there's actually never a good time to do anything. Other than breathing, ensuring we drink enough water, and eat enough food to sustain life, the rest are decisions. 

We could sell all our stuff and move to a cabin in the woods. We could quit our jobs and start our own business. We could throw some clothes in a duffle bag and hitchhike across the country. We could do something on the "some day" list. We could decide not to let our lack of decision be our fate.  

But let's decide that later.  

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Technology and Other Human Things

We can cook a turkey in 15 minutes; send a text around the world with the press of a thumb; watch or listen to anything we want on our smartphones. We are so fortunate. And now we can have a computer create everything. Look at us doing stuff and things with gadgets and doohickeys. We are the coolest.

Media are consumed mostly when we're alone. We don't gather around and answer an email and we don't hover over Josh's phone when he's texting Susan. We may binge watch that show on that streaming platform with our partner. Once a year we may gather at a buddy's house to eat too much and watch the Super Bowl. The rest of the time we are on our devices researching, reading, texting, replying, and searching by ourselves.

Technology, they said, would improve our lives. 

We can buy a car on the internet, learn about penguins on our mobile device, find the best sushi restaurant in Des Moines, and read about an awesome vacation someone else took while sitting on our couch.  

Most of the time we are connecting with each other through all this supposed cool technology while we are by ourselves. I wrote this alone and you're probably reading it while you're alone. I have a friend who hasn't answered his phone in years. He'll respond to my texts almost immediately, but I don't dare suggest an actual conversation. 

Technology, they said, would give us choices.

I remember a restaurant experience when the table next to us had six people all staring at their phones. Their meals arrived and phones weren't put away; they were placed beside plates and glanced at often. Their bill arrived and it looked like the dance of the smartphones as each of them transferred their amount to the one guy who tapped the server's machine to pay it in full. 

Technology, as it turns out, has created more depression and less human interaction. We are checking our phones yet miss what that guy said about the thing. I got a text; it must be important. I'd better check my email; I may have missed something. What's on my smart device is clearly way more important than any of this human stuff. 

I'm sure AI will solve it all.

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Emotional Fracture

They put a cast on a broken ankle; they give medication to the patient recovering from surgery; they prescribe pain pills for someone with chronic migraines. And yet, the stigma remains with emotional health because you can't see it on an MRI. 

 Key facts from the World Health Organization;

• Globally, it is estimated that 5% of adults suffer from depression. 
• Depression is a leading cause of disability worldwide. 
• More women are affected by depression than men. 
• Depression can lead to suicide. 
• There is effective treatment for mild, moderate, and severe depression. 

Check the Math 

Depression isn't a one stop emotional shop; it is a range. I deal with emotional setbacks often. I work; I have friends; I'm in a wonderful relationship; I function and carry on. I guess that's mild but it doesn't make the struggle any less for me. A past bad work experience; that presentation eleven years ago; that test I messed up at college. 

The amount of time I spend beating myself up over things no one even noticed, is exhausting. Some say it's not logical, but it's no less real to me. We need to stop messing around. My emotional hurdles are just as critical as your broken leg. This isn't a 5% thing; this isn't a "them" issue; this affects all of us. Something to ponder if this effects all of us.

Let's share some help for each other. __________________________________________________________________

Costa Rico or Costco?

I do wake up at 4am wondering if my life is fulfilled. It may not be the same time on the clock for you, but I'm going to guess I'm not alone. I worked with a guy early in my career who was instrumental in my professional development. He was awesome, in fact. And he passed away last year. He was about 15 years older than me and now I'm thinking about what will I do in the next decade and a half that will matter. 

I get lost. I get scared. Sometimes I don't know what to do next. Occasionally I forget that I do have gifts to give the world and just to keep going. I can say the same for you. There are times when I wonder if it will all work out. Of course, worrying with no action won't get me anywhere, so I give myself a mental kick in the backside and keep going. 

What Have We Learned? 

I spoke with a colleague this week I hadn't spoken with in probably a decade. She and her partner are thinking seriously about dumping their careers, selling their house, getting rid of most of their stuff, and moving to Costa Rica to help others. That's so cool and brave. 

I don't suggest we have to go to those lengths to find happiness, but doing the same crap we've been doing for the last couple of decades may not be working either. So yeah, there are early mornings when I wonder what I could be doing to better my life and the lives of others. And that's okay because I will be more worried when I stop thinking about those things. 

You?

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Useless Fun Facts

We are all way too serious. The internet is jammed with bad news, sad news, and idiots espousing that their theories and opinions are the only valid ones. 

I thought it was time for a break. Feel free to use these useless facts for fun; maybe impress your friends; to create interest; or to store in your big brain for no absolutely good reason. 

Here we go... 

Salt used to be used as currency. Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Queen Elizabeth II was trained as a truck driver and mechanic during World War II.

Movie trailers got their name because they were originally shown at the end of the movie. Your fingernails grow faster on your dominant hand. 

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours, and they have six legs but can’t walk. Right handed people, on average, live nine years longer than left handed people. A snail can sleep for three years. 

There's more...

Women see more colors and have more tastebuds than men. There are 32 muscles in a cat’s ear. Over a hundred acres of pizza is consumed in the US every day. The average person has four to six dreams a night. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 

Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons. Your body contains about 100,000 miles of blood vessels. According to the Bible, the chicken came before the egg. 

Women hiccup less than men. Those metal studs on your jeans are placed on certain spots to add extra support where the denim is more likely to wear out and rip. Jupiter is twice as large as all the other planets combined. 

And this...

Riding roller coasters can help you pass kidney stones. The first email was sent by Ray Tomlinson to himself in 1971. Mosquitoes are attracted to people who eat bananas. 

Almonds are members of the peach family. Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down. A piece of paper can be folded no more than nine times. 

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Bees have five eyes. The average person spends six months of their life sitting at red lights. 

Now you know.

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Know Care Want

You do it; I do it; everyone does it. We have stuff we want or need to do and we find every excuse available not to do it. In my coaching days, after some self-reflection, I came up with three motivating factors that I seem to slip into when faced with this issue and those are; want, know, or care. 

I know salad is better for me than onion rings but I don't always pick salad. I could learn how to change the oil in my car, but I don't want to so I get the oil place to do it. I may know how to clean a bathroom, which I've done a thousand times, but I don't care to do it even though I do.

This TEDTalk is from a bunch of years ago and it rings just as true as when it was first published. Mel Robbins makes a bold proclamation which is absolutely dead on true. 

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Dropping the Carry-On

I was recently in a heated discussion with a friend about an event that happened years ago. The details are irrelevant but he was still so upset about what happened. The actual issue was solved, no one lost money, no one got hurt, but he has been carrying this around for about a decade.

I told him that we could get the top class from Harvard, the brightest scientists from NASA, and the most talented business leaders from the Fortune 500, and we would be able to do nothing about changing the past. And it finally hit him. He agreed and discovered he was carrying around resentment or whatever it was because of ego. He was stuck in the spot where he was before this innocuous event occurred. It had absolutely nothing to do with what happened and everything to do with his reaction. 

Let it go

It got me wondering how often we do that. Big or small, something happens. And years later when it's no longer even important, we have galvanized a story in our minds of what may or may not have happened. Eckhardt Tolle once said the past is what we recall, the future will never arrive, and all we have is now.

It's true but not easy to grasp when you add in human emotions, winning or losing, and results. A friend used to say a phrase that made me upset which is - it will be whatever it is according to the outcome. Also true. But also hard to grasp.

Two guys, one girl, and a bike

So how do we let go of all this unnecessary emotional carry-on luggage in our lives? It seems if we just decide to drop it, it's dropped. It's akin to forgiveness. Once you forgive, you move on. It's done. We waste so much time trying to rewrite history and protect ourselves instead of moving on.

Think about the last time you recounted a story from your childhood to a friend. We humans have this tendency to exaggerate both negative and positive experiences. My friend David didn't break my bike, I did, but I told my mom it was his fault then convinced myself it was true. We were five. 

I met David for lunch years later and he brought up the story. He was laughing about how that bike was so important to me back then. He did steal my first girlfriend in grade two but I've been able to let that slide.

Less baggage does wonders for our journey.

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We So Scared

Many opine we aren't born with fear but as we go through our lives, it seems we take less chances and become more cautious. It could be because we've experienced things that haven't gone well. It could be because we think we have more wisdom so not to make foolish choices. That voice in our head says; "let's not do that again!"

Experts have been studying this for years and in an article entitled "Decision Neuroscience: Why We Become More Cautious with Age", there is sound evidence which suggests at least part of the reason is physical. As we age, the levels of dopamine in our bodies declines. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and a hormone. It plays a role in many important body functions, including movement, memory and pleasurable reward and motivation. We might be smart but our physiological makeup does have a say in the matter without our interference. 

Age and Ageing 

So that might point to why we rolled the dice at 20 and hesitated at 50. We were born with the ability to reason but we are also made up of chemical elements that don't ask for our input and can become our biggest foe.  

I've had to make a couple of pretty significant decisions in the last few years. One of them I belabored over for weeks. I had a similar situation happen almost two decades ago and I jumped at it. I did make the move again this time but I was aware of how I gave downside more weight than opportunity. 

Hormone levels and age may make us pause a bit longer or fear a bit more but here might be an exercise worth trying. Find something small you are thinking about right now. It could literally be something so insignificant, it might not even matter next week. Take five minutes and try and think of you a decade or two ago and make the decision through that lens. You might surprise yourself.

But I'm still not bungie jumping! 

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Finding Our Thing

It’s often said we should find something we’re passionate about and do it. We'll cool let's do that! Now why are we unhappy again? Oh yeah, because we often have absolutely no idea what are truly passionate about and worse how to even achieve it.  

In his latest book, “Love + Work”, author, speaker, and consultant Marcus Buckingham examines how our lives and our careers are forever intertwined. He writes finding something we love doesn't mean it's going to be nirvana all the time but rather we will find love within it and the challenges will be easier to overcome. Have you ever lost track of time doing something? Yeah that. 

Buckingham also reminds us no one will ever be exactly the same as each of us. No one who has ever existed or will ever exist will be exactly like you. Celebrate that. 

Perfection is impossible.  

We live in woke times. Some have deemed themselves the grand jury of all opinion. Here's the deal, I won't judge you, you don't judge me, and we'll be good. You do stuff you will love most of the time and I'll do that same. I may love auto racing but I won't insult you if you have a passion for flower arranging. It's not my call! 

No one has any right to tell you what you think or feel, nor does anyone have the right to tell you what or who you love. Life is not a zero-sum game to be won. As its own name defines, it is living breathing inaccurate flawed experience. Yet for some reason we measure ourselves against perfection. 

This is your life. Tell her how you feel. Look for another line of work. Stop letting others decide for you. Love who you want, do what you want, don't let others tell you what's best for you. I'm not proclaiming I don't have that doubtful voice in my head most of the time which I wish would shut up, but let's see if we can shift our thinking together.

To me, that sounds like a good plan.

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Asparagus and a Sun Roof

Perhaps this has happed to you; it's happening to me a lot lately. You have a dream where you know most if not all the people in it, but you are all in a different scenario. 

Years ago I had a recurring one where I opened the door to the office and it was a grocery store. Everyone working in the store were current colleagues. My boss was working the cash and my assistant was managing the produce department. 

Recently, random people keep showing up in the most bizarre situations in my dreams again. In one, I was working at a car dealership and a former colleague whom I haven't seen in two decades and has since passed away came into the store. 

It's you again.

I knew I was dreaming but it was so vivid. She worked in another department and we didn't know each other well. Why did she show up and why in such a strange scenario? 

Our brains are fascinating factories of facts and instructions. Why do we store the most inane things in there but can't find our keys? I often ponder what life would be like if it was like it is in our dreams. 

And then I wake up. 

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Checkng the List

I recently found this list I posted back in 2011. If we review, I think we find that all of these are still valid and some are even more important twelve years later.

Read more, skim less. Turn your phone off once in a while. Don't wait for approval. 

Forget the past. Spend more time with people you love. Dream big; do bigger. Be gracious. Make quick decisions. Stop comparing your effort to others. Enjoy the ride.

Stop doing anything that weakens you. Trust yourself. Take a digital day off.

Keep an open mind. Plan ahead then be flexible. Ask for help. Help someone without their knowledge it was you who helped them.

Go for it. Eradicate unnecessary meetings. Eat the cookie. Listen more. Sing often.

Say thank-you. Trust your gut. Make time for think time. Don't wait.

Find the lesson. Keep learning. Thank a friend. Take the nap.

Don’t settle. Collaborate. Consume more funny. Good enough is not good enough.

Be yourself.

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No Shame Required

If you got a call from a friend or loved one who asked you to help them as they had just broken their arm, what would you do? You would obviously drop what you were doing, drive to their location, and take them to the hospital.  

Here's another scenario. What would you do if that same friend or loved one called you to say they were having some emotional issues? Dr. Sangu Delle shares his story about a dear friend who needed his help. 

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Too Much Information?

We say it several times a day. We meet a client, see a friend, join a Zoom call, and the first thing we often say is; "How are you?" The reply is often;"I'm good, you?". And we move on. Why do we do that? Is it uncomfortable if someone said they were tired because their baby is sick or down because of their ailing father or upset due to their marriage having trouble?

I get there is a right time and place for personal stuff but without oversharing, how can we take that original salutation just an inch farther? I'm not suggesting fake compassion; I'm referring to the real stuff. Take just twenty seconds to see how someone is doing. You aren't there to solve their challenge but rather to simply be human. We're not robots and there might be much more going on if someone isn't "making their numbers".

Leave it at home

I am lucky to work in a company and with a team who does take a moment to see how you are really doing and let you know they actually see you as a person. It doesn't weaken relationships, it strengthens them.

I feel the core of teamwork is having each other's backsides not our own. Hopefully others feel the same way. If someone is missing deadlines or their work quality is waning, it's time for a check in and see if they are truly okay. Work is not a place to spend your time talking about your kids and home life all day. We are humans not robots and if we think people shouldn't bring their life to work, we may have another challenge.

They might stop bringing their work to life. 

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